Freeing My Voice

There have been many times where I’ve wanted to say something, many times where I’ve wanted to answer questions asked, many times where I’ve wanted to voice my opinion but I’ve never been able to….

In my head I’m as free as a bird, I say what I want to say and there’s no stopping me! I get an idea and I run with it! Presidential speeches, motivational talks, Award-winning speeches, Red carpet walks! But I could never free the person I want to be into the person I have to be, the person I’ve chosen to be, the me that I just be.

It doesn’t have to end there though you see, coz I can wake up tomorrow morning and open my mouth and speak, I can walk the walk and finally be free! Because I have it in me, no one is stopping me but me for it’s only me that holds the key , it’s only me that can set me free. That’s the scariest part of it because no matter how much I think I’ve got it together or the lies I tell myself that ‘maybe this is how I’m supposed to be,’ I know I’m only deceiving myself….I know because that’s what the me I hold captive tells me. You can’t be confident in who you are if you don’t know who you are and I don’t know who I am but I know who I could be and as far as I’m concerned that doesn’t make any sense, but then maybe it’s just me……

The thoughts, the freedom, the confidence I hold in my head are reflected in the words I write and that’s all I can do….write. I’ve heard it too many times, they prefer not to hear my voice coz all they know is the silence, the one word answers….because from the paragraphed answer I form in my head, only one word (If I’m lucky two) manage to escape, they think I’m too quiet and never have anything to say and though I beg and beg in my head to just hold on, just be patient with me, WAIT! It’s coming…it’s too late and they’re gone! Beating myself up after because I could have prevented it, I could have saved that, I could have spoken up….but I didn’t! I never do! That’s how it’s always been, that’s how my voice betrays me because when I need it, it’s nowhere to be seen, sorry… heard!

In my head I’m whoever I want to be, I say what I want to say and there’s no stopping me! But why can’t I be that person in reality, that person vocally……